You say to me;
‘You need to play the game. If you don’t play the game you lose’.
I try to explain; that for me losing happens when I abandon the parts of myself I like the most to get the better of somebody who hurt me.
My whole life I’ve been struggling to stand in front of the mirror and look myself in the eye.
Yeah I have stupid standards. I should relax. Because everyone makes mistakes, everyone cries, everyone gets drunk and kisses someone they shouldn’t, everyone talks about themselves for just a little too long. Everyone can be dull or tongue tied or plain worn out once in a while.
But I like to torture myself with my imperfections. I’m trying so hard to stop, to instead work on my strengths and make them sing inside my chest. To let the happiness and love which surrounds me in waves penetrate my flesh, run through my blood.
Just to feel it. For a moment.
But I can’t kill of the parts of myself I like the most, as vulnerable as they make me. My sincerity, my emotional honesty, my respect for others. Because these are things I cling to when I’m beating on myself. If I let go of those, if I demean them for a cheap victory: making some boy who slighted me feel jealous, or long for me, or regret ever crossing my path…
If I do that then I really am an idiot.
Because you might be playing the game… but I’m fighting a war.